How To 100%

I think there’s a mist inside my room that makes me want to hurt people, and I think it’s been pumping in here for years. The BF (Boss Flea) has suggested therapy since we last spoke, but moth balls shout. I think I’m walking dead, but prefer the term Post-Brock.

Since the past pre-Post-Brock post, my mulberry ploy didn't pan much further - The Katoomba Family Hotel barred me... because of my big red mouth. I tried to paint my walls chroma green: to envision something maybe great. But, with the world washing up at my door and the patheticness of the rain pouring down, it’s making what’s already clear - felt. Life is pretty fucking shit right now. I have been stuck throwing paint at the wall and nothing is drying. It’s maybe time for another apocalypse. Maybe time for another Mario Movie. What my pigeon is pretty ailed, and is pretty close to getting put in my perpetual stew, so I opted to message instead.

This took me to The Edge (Katoomba), somehow. I stopped wearing watches after my damn strap came apart one random morning and I think I've lost the pin that binds the buckle to the leather hoop at the end of the strap. So I was there: 3 rows from the back askew three seats left from the middle. With a childs ticket on student thursdays. Innocent from time for the next 98 minutes.

Sent there by my inner Dickensian spirit of nostalgia from android emulators. To watch Mario, voiced by Chris Pratt, his (Mario's) brother Luigi (Charlie Day), Yoshi (Donald Glover) and Bowser (Jack Black) as they (Mario, Luigi, Yoshi & Bowser) attempt to save Princess Rosalina (Brie Larson) after she (Princess Rosalina) is abducted by Bowser Jr. (Benny Safdie) in an effort to impress and save his (Bowser Jr's) father (Bowser) because he (Bowser) was shrunken down by Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy).

I hated this movie.

The experience was like the scratching of the same mosquito bite for weeks - with only the hope of another - to take your mind off the first leading you through the shrill discomfort.

But my problem is not with the 100%-ing through the franchise's most notable worlds, landmarks, characters and enemies within the games' canon as the gang. It is that these checkpoints act as disconnected episodes advertising cogs in a grander marketing machine. A Christmas shopping list - behind a paywall. I struggled trying to figure out where the imperfection lied, where the humanity was. All I could find was Chris Pratt's awful impression, a silver-lined bullet in the head of distraction. The kids seemed to love jumping through Tostarena Town, Brooklyn; The Honey Hive, Gateway and Space Junk Galaxy, all without probably understanding why they feel that way, but the parents seemed to enjoy being left alone. A spectacle can only go so far; the fireworks always cost your ears. For a movie with surgically clean animation, the problem is that the magic is what is behind the curtain. Watching an 3D Bowser perform hand puppetry. I was blown away... far enough from the scene to think, are they going to sell those?

The film is a treat - for one sense. Made with the precision of the original architects of the soda can’s double seams. A technological Marvel. The formula from generations of experimentation, failure and refinement. Something you sip, think wow I cannot believe this is made by people, finish quite quickly, then throw away or jump on when finished - like a goomba.

If there's a lesson, It's that you're already living your life to the fullest by not going. Stay away from this film. It will make you want to spend money you don't have on things you know will hurt you.