SYDNEY'S POPCORN RANKED

Here we are Fleas. A last hurrah.

Now since the precipitation of a takeover, we had so many ideas. But as I (Flea 3) thought more and more about the identity of this newsletter. I reckoned with the fact that Helena and I really aren't out there all that much. We're pretty lame ass people. But what we are, are people of TASTE. Culinary TASTE. Our tongues are all we're worth I could say, well... ew. But with that comes an expertise and advantage to our form of criticism. In contrast to people that want to nibble. We want to BITE.

So we wanted to be able to provide an overview to the best cinema experiences in Sydney. But with Harry Gay already creating the dogmatic overview of cinematic excellence, it caused me to consider what is my favourite (and most easily objective and quantifiable) measure of the cinema going experience. And it is, without a doubt... drumroll please. THE POPCORN. You already read the fricken title so lets just get on with it. We didn't want to get asSALTed so we've bought the smallest sizes. But we will account for the larger portions.

6. Golden Age (Surry Hills): $10 | One Size

Golden Age, I Love You But Your Popcorn Is Bringing Me Down. Your free popcorn with every member entry is an amazing deal. And your variety is fantastic, with spicy and sweet options, but your (salted) popcorn is just TOO MUCH. Half the time I'm biting into crystals, and that's turning me off. So you gotta go to the bottom of the list, sorry.

Full Kernel to Nib Ratio: 2/10
Butter Distribution: 0/10
Saltiness: 2/10 (too much)
Butteriness: 0/10
Cook (is it burnt): 6/10

Score: 1/5

5. Ritz (Randwick): $8 | Small

The cheapest one here, which if we were factoring in price would matter, but nobody is buying a small popcorn. Go home. A lightly salted and buttery popcorn, which is great! But its partially burnt cook gave it an unnatural bitterness that is bogged down by its little nibs and unpopped kernels (you're going to hear this a lot).

Full Kernel to Nib Ratio: 4/10
Butter Distribution: 5/10
Saltiness: 2/10 (complimentary)
Butteriness: 7.5/10
Cook: 3/10

Score: 2.15/5

4. Palace (Central): $9 | Small [BROCK'S FAVOURITE]

Helena ruined it slightly by mentioning the fact it's a little soapy. Meanwhile, I think this one should have won, with its simple, not too overpoweringly butteriness. The kind of humility that will take me through a war. It lacks in butteriness but has a certain maltiness which is appreciated (before soap was mentioned). If it wasnt for this it'd probably win this entire thing.

Full Kernel to Nib Ratio: 9/10
Butter Distribution: 1/10
Saltiness: 8/10
Butteriness: 1/10 (soapy butter)
Cook: 5/10

Score: 2.4/5

3. Hayden Orpheum (Cremorne): 9.50$ | Small

Hayden's popcorn is an interesting one here. It's the freshest one on the list, despite us travelling quite early in the day (12pm is early for a cinema). But it is lacking in a butteriness and a burnt cook (same as Ritz). Its

Full Kernel to Nib Ratio: 8/10
Butter Distribution: 5/10
Saltiness: 7/10
Butteriness: 3/10
Cook: 4/10

Score: 2.7/5

2. Event Cinemas (Town Hall): $11.00 | Small

The flavour is as plain as the mortar facade that coats the interior thinking it's futurist. Even when completely fresh, it tastes days old. But why is that better than the others? Because flavourings Fleas. The shit's bussing. Its so overpowering and moreish that you can't help but be swindled into another handful. For that reason it comes in as no.2.

Full Kernel to Nib Ratio: 2/10
Butter Distribution: 8/10
Saltiness: 4/10
Butteriness: 8/10
Cook: 6/10

Score: 2.8/5

1. Hoyts (Broadway): $11.15 | Small

You have got to be kidding me. I had a feeling before but now I know. Their popcorn seems to use the identical formula as Event - SUPERPOP - probably chock-full with msg and cancer. But its just too good. They dialled the fuck in. But I'd only get this on delivery. Its a personal hell inside chain theatres, also just poor programming. But that's not what is being marked here. So...

Full Kernel to Nib Ratio: 3/10
Butter Distribution: 7/10
Saltiness: 8/10
Butteriness: 8/10
Cook: 8/10

Score: 3.4/5

Dendy (Newtown): $? | ?????

Despite being inner westians we shamefully didn't make it to Dendy so. Find out for yourselves and feel free to fill out the form at:
its_not_a_real_popcorn_ranking_contest_if_you_dont_include_dendy.org
with all your complaints xx

Honourable Mention: Super 44 / Bar Planet (Newtown): Free | Small

The option to spend your money on a martini or a marg instead and get a free popcorn with it? Like, are you kidding.

Score: 10/10

So ummm, what did we learn here Fleas? Basically expensive is better... looking back on the list. Which... how awful! The big chains have it locked, while the independents are left struggling to streamline. So what does that mean for the future of Sydney? I hope this can contribute to some kind of reform. Because for all the love and care that these cinemas are putting in to their establishment, a hallmark of the theatrical experience compiles nothing to the conglomerate of franchising virus of Australian theater. Regardless, you should still support your local businesses, but give them critisicm too, because they deserve the right to improve and become the best they can.

Pick of the Week

Do You Love Me? (Dir.: Lana Daher) Like... sorry fleas but I have all the power for one more week and I love nothing more than an archival documentary. An incredible testament to Lebanese history, an absolute masterclass in editing and an immersive 76 mins.

New Releases - THURSDAY 1st October

• Digger (Alejandro González Iñárritu)
• Verity (Michael Showalter)
• Beware Boiúna (Mike P. Nelson)